Revision+Example


 * Revision Example**

E. B. White wrote a one-paragraph comment on the first moon walk. Eventually, White took the comment through six drafts. Below are his third and sixth drafts. White's main points are underlined. In Draft 6, White gets right to the point. He states the problem he's addressing—"the moon is a poor place for flags"—in his third sentence. In Draft 3, he does not suggest this until the sentence that begins "Yet," and never directly; it is the sum of the large amount of underlined material. Revision enabled White to be clearer by articulating concisely and directly an idea that was earlier implied; correspondingly, revision let him move an idea that was clear by the middle or end of an early draft to the beginning. He also cut his introductory device, the beach trip. The amount of space he devotes to it in draft 3 suggests that White was attached to this example. But it prevents him from getting to the point. So he substitutes the bouncy dance, which preserves the playfulness of the trip to the beach but is more economical.

Draft 3: Planning a trip to the moon differs in no essential respect from planning a trip to the beach. You have to decide what to take along, what to leave behind. Should the thermos jug go? The child's rubber horse? The dill pickles? These are the sometimes fateful decisions on which the success or failure of the whole outing turns. __Something goes along that spoils everything because it is always in the way__; something gets left behind that is desperately needed for comfort or for safety. The men who drew up the moon list for the astronauts planned long and hard and well. (Should the vacuum cleaner go, to suck up moondust?) __Among the items they sent along, of course, was the little jointed flagpoles and the flag__ that could be stiffened to the breeze that did not blow. (It is traditional among explorers to plant the flag.) __Yet__ the two men who stepped out on the surface of the moon were in a class by themselves and __should have been equipped accordingly__: they were of the new breed of men, those who had seen the earth whole. __When, following instructions, they colored the moon red, white, and blue, they were fumbling with the past__—or so it seemed to us, who watched, trembling with awe and admiration and pride. This moon plant was __the last scene in the long book of nationalism, one that could have well been omitted__. The moon still holds the key to madness, which is __universal__, still controls the tides that lap on shores everywhere, still guards lovers that kiss in every land under no banner but the sky. What a pity we couldn't have forsworn our little Iwo Jima scene and planted instead a banner acceptable to all—a simple white handkerchief, perhaps, symbol of the common cold, which, like the moon, affects us all!

Draft 6: __The moon, it turns out, is a great place for men__. One-sixth gravity must be a lot of fun, and when Armstrong and Aldrin went into their bouncy little dance, like two happy children, it was a moment not only of triumph but of gaiety. __The moon, on the other hand, is a poor place for flags.__ Ours looked stiff and awkward, trying to float on the breeze that does not blow. (There must be a lesson here somewhere.) It is traditional, of course, for explorers to plant the flag, but it struck us, as we watched with awe and admiration and pride, __that our two fellows were universal men, not national men, and should have been equipped accordingly__. Like every great river and every great sea__, the moon belongs to none and belongs to all__. It still holds the key to madness, still controls the tides that lap on shores everywhere, still guards the lovers that kiss in every land under no banner but the sky. What a pity that in our moment of triumph we did not forswear the familiar Iwo Jima scene and plant instead a device acceptable to all: a limp white handkerchief, perhaps, symbol of the common cold, which, like the moon, affect us all, unites us all!